coping with grief & loss
There are many changes that occur in our lives that can trigger feelings of grief and loss. Most people go through more than one of these experiences in their lives. Learning to deal with loss is often difficult because no one likes to experience negative emotions.
What is Grief?
Grief can be defined as intense emotion felt when someone experiences a loss that is significant. It is the process of working through the pain of loss, a functional necessity, not a weakness. There is no one 'way' to grieve, the process described here is not all inclusive of the vast range of experiences after a loss. Nor does one have to go through every stage presented here.
Losses That Can Cause Grief
- Relationship Changes such as Marriage, Divorce, The Birth of a Child, or a Child Leaving home
- Life Changes such as Death of a Spouse, Pregnancy or Loss of Pregnancy
- Health Changes such as Personal Injury or Illness
- Job/School-related Change such as Gain or Loss of a Promotion, New Hours or Responsibilities, Graduation, Moving or Retirement
- Other Changes such as Loss of Income or Changes in Habit such as Quitting Smoking
People can also experience grief when they have gone through a series of losses. If one does not have enough time between losses, it is more difficult to heal and the impact of even small losses is often great.
Stages of Recovery From Loss
There are some predictable stages that most people pass through after losing something or someone important. In her work on death and dying, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross outlined five stages of grieving.
- Shock and Denial: The first reaction to loss is often inability to feel anything. This may include feeling numb, weak, overwhelmed, anxious, not yourself, or withdrawn.
- Anger: Blaming yourself or others for the loss.
- Bargaining: "If you'll just let him live, I promise to ...for the rest of my life."
- Depression: Feeling deep sadness, disturbed sleep and eating patterns, thoughts of suicide, excessive crying.
- Acceptance: Beginning to look for the lessons of the experience.
Kubler-Ross said that the grieving process involves experiencing all five stages, although not always in this order. She also said that people often cycle back and forth through a number of the stages before coming to the stage of acceptance.
Recovering From Loss: Some Key Points
1. You are responsible for your own grief process. No one can tell you how to grieve, and no one will do your grieving for you. It is hard work and you must manage the process by yourself.
2. The grief process has a purpose. It is to help you learn to accept the reality of the loss and to learn from the experience.
3. Remind yourself that your grief will end. You will not feel this forever. You will heal.
4. Ask for help. You will need it. If you don't want to be alone, or if you want someone to take you somewhere, it is ok to ask. People don't expect you to be self-sufficient right now.
5. Don't hurry your grief process. People sometimes want to put their feelings and memories behind them because they are painful. but grieving takes time, and there are no shortcuts.
There are many more key points to be addressed in the process of grieving and I can work with you to manage these key points.
How to Help Someone Who is Grieving
1. Don't try to get them to feel or be anything but what they are.
2. Don't reward them for acting cheerful or "like your old self." This teaches them to suppress their feelings around you.
3. Don't avoid them. They need your support.
4. Let them tell you about the loss again and again, if they need to.
5. Recognize that unexpected, perhaps inappropriate behavior is part of the grieving process. It means the bereaved person is moving forward.
If you are dealing with grief or loss in your life, please contact me so that we can work together to help you heal.